my apologies for taking this blog in a serious direction (back to regularly-scheduled nonsense soon, promise)

"your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. and most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. they somehow already know what you truly want to become. everything else is secondary."

damn it, steve jobs

i'm fucking worse than my dog

tonight, while taking charles for an evening walk, i got really pissed... he's been legit sick, off and on, for the past week. two visits to the vet, special dog food, and his stomach's still all outta whack. it started with a poorly chosen morsel of trash off the street.

every fucking piece of crap we passed tonight, he would stop and strain and try to eat it. and i actually yelled out loud "if it makes you sick EVERY FUCKING TIME why are you trying to eat it?!"

oh wait.

should probably listen to myself more often...

"you can't get away from yourself by moving from one place to another"

nothing like being really fucking sick to make a girl think about life

yeah yeah yeah, i know i spend most of my time just pondering life, whatever...

my stomach of steel is no longer; just one piece of room-temp pica pollo from the corner comedor was enough to have me puking my guts out for over 8 hours. i've been told i'm a bad patient, and as much as i hate to admit it i know it's the truth... but this morning, in the 4th hour of heaving, i panicked (and not just the oh-but-i-hate-going-to-the-doctor/trying-to-pull-out-my-iv way).

what am i supposed to do, living alone, single, at 7am, when i can't even stand up on my own?

i'm a lucky bitch, cause a friend was in my apartment caring for me in my crazy motherfucking whining and puking frenzy bedroom by 8am, and another pal was bringing me smoothies and reminding me to take my meds for the afternoon shift.

i don't really know what i wanna say here

but, in between the puking, sleeping, crying, shaking, cursing, and sweating, i did a lot of thinking. and it seems that i'm setting up something here for myself. whether intentional or otherwise, the people who matter reached out today (some even going as far as to reach out and hold my hair). sure, culinary school's the next step, and lord knows imma love france, but why am i always in such a rush to get to the next thing?

i think i'm ready for my new tattoo

"sweltering hot, crazy hot, hot, and getting hotter are not seasons"

got me a kitty tonight and all he can do is pant with his little pink tongue out because it's so fucking motherfucking terribly fucking hot in this goddamn city.

if gray, rainy days in fall are my favorite kind of weather, how on earth did i decide on this place?

karma's a bitch (and so are you)

in the past 8 days, a shitstorm has blown my way. to list it all out here would diminish its shittiness, so i won't belabor a point, but just trust. you know that season finale of weeds in like the 2nd or 3rd season where nancy ends up in the growhouse with u-turn and marvin and the armenians?


it was kinda like that

now, i recognize using nancy botwin as a frame of reference may undo the point i'm about to make, so try and focus on the picture and not how terrible she is...

i don't much believe in god, and money - as much as i love it - isn't a reliable enough deity for me. but karma, ooooooh karma... i believe in that sonofabitch because it's slapped me across the face too many times. yet somehow, i think i've confused the concept a bit to suit my needs (like any good follower), at least until recently. i thought as long as i wasn't putting any bad out in the world, no shit was gonna wash up on my shores. not only was that not the case (as a buddy of mine at work often puts it, "bitches, man"), but it was also a little passive for my taste.

today, when i came home to a healthy and happy puppy, a fixed washer/dryer combo, a $1400 set of loans paid in full, an ant-free apartment, a butt-faced kitty on the way, and news that my bff will be living not 2000 miles away but closer to 2 miles away for the next year or more, it was like good gave me a big ol slap (like a smack on the ass from someone you're happy to be in bed with). sure, i used my passive karma to get myself part of the way there- i didn't punch the guy who tried to take my laptop when walking home on lincoln a few weeks back, nor did i yell "mamaguebo" at the guy who tried to steal my cellphone just three days ago. i've been keeping my mouth shut (and sometimes literally running and hiding) instead of seeking out confrontation. but shit, i've been calling my mama nearly every day, paying my bills on time (at least trying?), and attempting to swap out my angry "motherfucker!"s with affirming "motherfucker!"s for a job well done.

be careful, y'all, i seem to be learning my lesson.

catch 20-something

i think i drink too much to take acetaminophen this regularly

i think i take acetaminophen this regularly because i drink too much

charlos

i'm getting a cat

i'm getting a cat to keep my dog company

i'm getting a cat to keep my dog company because i feel guilty when he's lonely

i'm getting a cat to keep my dog company because i feel guilty when he's lonely due to the fact that i care more for him than most living creatures

back in the day, when i liked to fight any fight for the sake of controversy, my argument was that man must have been pretty fucking lonely to invite a wolf into his home for company, and therefore pets were stupid.

yet i wasn't lonely when i got charles almost 4 years ago now. and while outside judgment and my track record this past year might indicate otherwise, i'm not particularly lonely now.

shit, in all fairness, charles is kinda stupid.

but i care about him. he loves me for food, he loves me for shelter, he loves me for warmth, and - now that i'm in this fucking unending summer of a country indefinitely - he occasionally loves me for air conditioning at bedtime. he "loves" me because i project that emotion onto his furry little face and imagine he has human feelings... but he loves me because i love him back.

i'm one of the most selfish people i know (though, to be fair, i think we're all in our own top five "most selfish people i know"... if you're not deluding yourself into some state of martyrdom, of course), yet when it comes to my dog i'll pretty much put myself into a thousand different situations from which i will gain nothing (and possibly lose quite a bit of money).

so i ask you, people-who-are-no-longer-reading-this-blog: why can't i do this with human beings?

i think it's cause they talk back. and most of the ones i've loved are crazy.